Monthly Archives: December 2012

Rape and Abuse: Is the seed planted in the home?

I was up all night last night till the early hours of this morning…and all I could think about was…why?

A young, innocent girl with stars in her eyes of her future is brutally raped by 6 men, tortured and thrown out of a moving bus in the middle of the night. She did not survive, but an entire nation..heck, the entire world is watching for some change to be made to ensure she did not die in vain. But what about the many other women who have faced similar trauma and been forced to take their own life or live with the demons of their past in shame? This is not a problem in JUST India, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq, etc. This is a serious problem all around the world. The question we must ask before we tackle such difficult questions is how do these criminals even think they can get away with such heinous crimes?

The answer lies in how they are raised and what they have seen growing up. People are not BORN evil. Their experiences through life gives them the mental thought that treating another human being in an inhumane manner is OK. There are no consequences. Which brings us to the parents. Children who watch abuse in any form at home become conditioned to understand that treating someone else (in this case, a woman) “badly” is OK. They watch their fathers treat their mothers abusively and their mothers stay and take the abuse either physically, emotionally or both. And right there…the daughters see it is OK to be treated badly, heck maybe this is what love is, and the sons see it is OK to treat badly(again, heck this is how to love)….there will be no one will leave. No one can get them. As an abused women rears her children, the children may grow up to be an exact replica of their parents. Either taking out the mental trauma and anger of what they have seen growing up on someone else….or becoming emotionally stagnated, therefore having no sense of feelings or a sense of what is right or wrong. The problem starts at home. The problem starts with the person taking the abuse…and sticking around for more. The mother then allows her children to treat her badly..scared they will “get angry” if she says no…or worse..leave her. The mental torture given to her by her husband is now engraved in stone in her mind. Doctors say that a child growing up with parents in a non-loving relationship or constantly bickering is the same experience on their brain and body as a soldier going into a battlefield and fighting a war.

We, as a society, must be educated on what is abuse and what is not. And as women, we must not be weak and stick around for the torture to continue. We must stay strong and put our children who have been unfortunate enough to have grown up in these types of households in therapy to fix them. Not allow the “tradition” to move forward. Not allow the daughters to stick in marriages where they are being treated badly.

Let’s think about my theory above with the example of the very popular best seller “50 Shades of Grey”. A story about a very good-looking tycoon who has a flair for whipping, beating, causing physical pain to women to please him self sexually. It is when he finally meets one that stands up for herself that he realizes how broken he really is. That this abuse is not love. What was his past? He grew up watching his mother get beaten by a pimp and ended up taking care of her as a 4-year-old until she died in the house where he spent 4 days with her dead body and no food. He was 4 years old. And permanently damaged.

I once knew someone who had absolutely no emotions. Completely stagnated of emotions. His wife would be in the same room, and he would not notice for hours. Someone around him would cry…and he would eat and continue watching tv. Turns out, he was emotionally stunted from how he was treated as a baby. His parents must have not given him the love and affection he needed to understand what love was, and eventually his brain gave up and stopped trying. This is called Avoidant Attachment Disorder.

Abuse is notalways someone being beaten black and blue. Abuse can be emotional, mental AND physical. Any ONE is grounds for walking away and saying that no one should be treated in an inhumane manner. Most governments recognize “Cruel and Inhuman Treatment” as a grounds for instant divorce.

If you, or anyone you know is allowing the following types of abuse, stop the cycle now. Drag them out, kicking and screaming, get their kids some help so that this cycle does not continue…and some poor innocent 23-year-old coming back from a movie with her boyfriend is not the victim of some angry human being thinking they will have no consequences if they treat someone else worse than an animal.

Types of abuse:

1. Physical: This is the one that is obvious. However, the victim is made to feel it is their fault. a child, a wife, a husband, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a mother..any one can be a victim to this. The clinical definition is:

Standing over you, getting “in your face,” blocking a doorway, grabbing you if you try to leave, kicking, punching, biting, slapping, choking, threatening to harm you, using weapons, throwing things, breaking things, punching walls or doors, driving recklessly, burning, cutting, pulling hair, stabbing, strangling, tying or confining you, preventing you from seeking medical care, murder.

2. Emotional:

The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.

Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.

You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so.

3. Psychological abuse:

Psychological abuse signs and symptoms may start small at first as the abuser “tests the waters” to see what the other person will accept, but before long the psychological abuse builds into something that can be frightening and threatening.

Signs and symptoms of psychological abuse include:

  • Name calling
  • Yelling
  • Insulting the person
  • Threatening the person or threatening to take away something that is important to them
  • Imitating or mocking the person
  • Swearing at them
  • Ignoring
  • Isolating the person
  • Excluding them from meaningful events or activities

3. Sexual Abuse (Rape):

Sexual abuse, also referred to as molestation, is the forcing of undesired sexual behavior by one person upon another. When that force is immediate, of short duration, or infrequent, it is called sexual assault. The offender is referred to as a sexual abuser or (often pejoratively) molester.[1] The term also covers any behavior by any adult towards a child to stimulate either the adult or child sexually. When the victim is younger than the age of consent, it is referred to as child sexual abuse. (Wikipedia Definition).

Lets stop the trend here and now. It is almost 2013. People must become stronger and take a stand for themsleves…then think about changing the world around them. The world, the politicians and people in our own homes enable this sort of behavior by their own form of abuse: “The girl should not have been out so late” “Maybe you made him angry because you did not fulfill your husbands needs, try harder”. “maybe it is all in your head”. And so the cycle will continue.